Column 4 5/15

Tossing batting practice while wondering why don’t I see more inner city youths playing pick up hockey like they did in the second Mighty Ducks movie?

If the Mighty Ducks win the Stanley Cup, they better thank Gordon Bombay, and the rest of those pioneering Ducks. Because without them, none of their success would be possible.

Ok, I’ll say it, I have officially gotten ''Giggy'' with it. I am convinced that Giguerre is Francais for Goldberg. The Ducks should sign Anson Carter and teach him how to shoot the “knuckle puck”.

If the New Jersey beats Ottawa, I demand Pat Burns speak in an Icelandic accent during the Stanley Cup Finals.

I liked happy go lucky, giant Afro, Ben Wallace a lot more than hardened, menacing corn row Ben Wallace.

Clang! Allen Iverson just missed another shot. 5-25 that’s an ugly night. .200 from the field, that’s still a better average than most of the Phillies.

Cheer up Allen, things could be worse. You could be Robert Horry, who went 2-38 from 3-point land during the playoffs. It might be harder to miss 36 shots than it is to make 36 shots.

Is there a basketball equivalent to the Mendoza line? If not can we name it the Walker line and establish it at 28%?

I think I am going to root for the Pistons tonight because God help me if I have to watch another 78-77 pitcher’s duel.

Ok Allen Iverson, Robert Horry and a random white guy who “played a little college ball” (meaning intramurals) in a 3-point contest. Who would you take.

I know concessions are expensive at Fenway Park, but can’t Casey Fossum get an employee discount? Casey, seriously, eat something!

The St. Louis Cardinals bullpen has blown 10 of 16 save opportunities this year. That just sucks.

Everyday you learn something new I guess. Secretariat apparently has an official biographer.

Congratulations to the World Champion San Antonio Spurs.

Somebody threw a baseball at Carl Everett last night. I’m not sure what I think about this. Wait what’s that feeling I’m getting, is that…sympathy? No, no that’s just allergies, never mind.

Vlade Divac plays the post like your dad, or any big fat old white guy at the Y always did when you were younger. He pulls these shots out of nowhere at awkward angles, and looks like a slightly more athletic version of George Mikan.

I stand corrected the Lakers did lose.

How bout Derek Fisher and Kobe Bryant breaking down into tears in the waning moments of Game six last night. I really want to mock this, but I am glad to actually see guys care about winning and losing, it’s good for the game.

Did Kobe Bryant suddenly turn 40 and nobody told me? His postgame remarks last night had the feel of a guy who was on the downside of his career. At one point he discussed how it seems like just yesterday he was 21. The man is 24 for Christ sake and will probably be around for a long time.

Random betting line of the day: over/under of 3.

That is the number of Kobe Bryant retirements/comebacks I predcit before he finally decides enough is enough.

I’m not sure which of these scenarios I’d like to see play out. Kobe Bryant failing miserably a la Isiah Thomas as a head coach, or failing miserably at running a perennially bad team like the Hawks, like Jordan did. Either way I guarantee one, if not both, of these scenarios will play out.

Can someone please import a personality into Tim Duncan? Remember when Bart sold his soul to Milhouse in the Simpsons and could feel no emotion? I am convinced Duncan did the same thing.

It’s been seven months but the phrase “World Champion Anaheim Angels” still makes me want to throw up all over myself.

Big Exhale, Petey made it through another start without getting hurt. To me that’s cause for celebration.

Shhh, do you hear that? It’s the sound of America changing the channel now that the Lakers are out.

I will miss Jack Nicholson the rest of the playoffs, maybe he is a Ducks fan too.

Married men everywhere should be rooting for Funny Cide tomorrow in the Preakness Stakes. His success will give hope to all those who have had their balls taken away by someone else. Maybe his biographer can make him a spokesman for all those out there who are whipped.